Last season - texted:
BCNU BWYER WDG8 ROBBIE + EVRY1 :-( 2HT2HNDL 4 TEL. L O PETE. JUS SUR5ED. THX MARK. NOW HARRY QL G1 4 PNUTS. GR8.This season - predicted: If sales continue at the rate dictated by Leeds's debt, 0-0-0 would appear to be the formation they are heading for. Peter Reid may have a small amount for "wheeler-dealing" but his record in this area fills few with much hope. Indeed, if it weren't for the efforts of Alan Smith optimism might have called it a day long ago. Jody Morris is a summer recruit.
Best-case scenario: Mid-table respectability and, with Harry Kewell and Peter Ridsdale's goldfish off the payroll, a return to conventional methods of banking, whereby the club deposits its money at the bank, rather than vice versa.
Worst-case scenario: A new manager takes over at the bank and asks for all the money back. Elland Road becomes site of largest car boot sale in the north.
Matchday song: Seventies anthem Leeds, Leeds, Leeds.
Matchday song should be: Money's Too Tight To Mention by Simply Red, or Wreckless Eric's Take The Kash, dedicated to Leeds's overpaid under-achievers. Frank Zappa's Heavenly Bank Account is, sadly, unlikely to get an airing.
Heroes and villains
Love to hate: Bad blood has frequently been spilled in games against Chelsea ever since 2001, when Graeme Le Saux launched a two-footed challenge on Danny Mills. While Le Saux was only booked, Leeds manager David O'Leary was sent off for protesting. Le Saux's switch to Southampton gives extra booing opportunities.
Drama queen: No contest. The perfectly balanced Alan Smith - a chip on either shoulder. Could whinge for England.
English passport to Portugal: Mills must be a rank outsider after his rank performance against Turkey, in which he cemented his reputation as the Status Quo of football (Heads Down No Nonsense Mindless Boogie). With David James in the Nationwide, Paul Robinson may make it.
Who's their Rooney? James Milner, 17, who still gets the bus to Elland Road, because his dad won't let him drive. Made first-team debut under Venables, used sparingly since. The best is yet to come.
Power and money
Battle for control: Since any power struggle at Leeds would be like two bald men fighting over a comb, relations between Professor John MacKenzie and Peter Reid are currently suffused in a warm glow of peace, love and understanding.
Boom or bust: With a £78m debt, and a moribund transfer market, either a big lottery win, or - even more unlikely - someone offering big bucks for Mills, would help.
On sale in the club shop: Where to start? £5 for a tiny pennant, 30p for a postcard of Harry Kewell, but all trumped by a video of the "highlights" of 2001-02 season, called "A Few Wins, A Few Tales, and A Season to Build on." Yeah, right.
Odds for title: 200-1
Relegation: 4-1
In a previous life...
Peter Reid was Johnny Rotten. The filth and the fury of his televised swear-fests might have scared off many a producer but nevertheless he fashioned a triumphant career by creating a series of discordant outfits who, despite their many faults, managed to sustain a loyal following. For all that, he could still do with cheering up.
Odds on going first: 11-1
Form 02/03
League: 15th (W14, D5, L19)
FA Cup: 6th round
League Cup: 3rd round
Most league games: Paul Robinson 38
Top scorer: Mark Viduka 20
Discipline: Y69 R2