Birmingham would be Pamela Anderson: Used to look good in the cups but now rapidly declining. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.
Wigan would be Davina McCall: Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.
Portsmouth would be Girls Aloud: Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.
Sunderland would be Kerry Katona: Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from where you came, please.
Spurs would be Keira Knightley: Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front need not be a drawback.
Everton would be Dannii Minogue: The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?
Arsenal would be Jordan: Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.
Newcastle would be Jodie Marsh: Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.
Aston Villa would be Dido: Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.
Liverpool would be Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.
Chelsea would be Rachel Stevens: You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.
West Ham would be Vicky Pollard: Nothing more needs saying as a teams fans speak for themselves - Chav's in Chav's clothing.
Bolton would be Clare Balding: You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth.